Once Upon a Time - Funny Dirty Jokes

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood,plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured. "The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there. " The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?(Scroll down for the answer.)

 x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x They were M&M's !!! - (get your mind out of the gutter!!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!"

Doctor's Note - Funny Jokes

A man comes into the ER and yells; "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab! " I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one."

Qualified for Disability - Dirty Jokes

Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security.

After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, "will I have to go home and come back now? " he ask.

The woman says, "unbutton your shirt. " he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me " as she processes his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too. "

Cojones - Dirty Jokes

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained."Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied."The what, you say? " exclaimed the tourist."They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter.

The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious.

Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday. "True, senor," agreed the waiter. "You see the bull, he does not always lose. "

Carrie Likes to Screw - Dirty Jokes

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat? "Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it! " Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby? so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her! "A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the twist! "

The Three Nuns - Dirty Jokes

Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines! "What did you do? " the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied. The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms! "Oh my! " gasped the other nuns. "What did you do? " they asked. "I poked holes in all of them! " she replied. The third nun fainted."

The Condom and Camel - Dirty Jokes

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut of the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The lady asked, "What's that?" "A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." "Where did you get it?" the other lady asked. "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

The Dentures - Dirty Jokes

A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made a mistake" says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's clinic is one level higher." To that,the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."

The Chicken Farmer - Dirty Jokes

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much to crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, 'I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

Open Wide - Dirty Jokes

A woman is suffering from toothache so she goes to see the dentist.

She explains the problem to him who asks her to sit down.

He gets out his light and says, "Open wide".

"I can't," replies the woman, "the chair's fitted with arms!"