Aviation Jokes

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean. " The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency, and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane, and all the swimmers are on the right side. "

After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later, the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.

The captain once again made an announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open you r emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... "Thank You For Flying With Us. "

Travel To Heaven - Funny Jokes

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed " the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven. " Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees? ". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free. " Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat? " asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free! " Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables? " the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven. " With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago! "